Hmmmm

Sorry I've been quiet again, and thanks for the comments :-)





I'm feeling a little better today, got a doctors appointment in an hour, so will probably end up back on the meds. As much as I don't want to be, I think they'll do me good right now.





Feeling a little sick of going out of my way to try and keep everybody happy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not likely to stop any time soon. I have some random disorder that stems from my childhood where I constantly crave acceptance from my peers/family/lover/ random person in the street.


I can't help it, I just want everyone to like me. Apparently it's because I felt abandoned and unloved by my parents when I was younger. And because of the abuse. Or something.



Whatever.

Also, I'm going to a party and Rachels tomorrow night, and David is coming with me. Wish me luck, god knows I'm gonna need it.

Kit x

P.S I particularly well known publisher contacted me today saying they are interested in publishing one of my young adult novella's. I am officially well on my way to becomming a world famous published author. I rock my world

((AUTHOR NOTE: This was my post from Friday. I was having pc issues at work. I shall update later about the party on Sat.))

:-(

Heartbroken.

Truely

Quiet

Yes, I have been quiet.

I don't really know why. I'm not sleeping well at all, what happened with me and Rachel seemed to fuck with my head a bit. I haven't split up with David yet, as he was almost suicidal on Friday, and I didn't want to be the one to push him over the edge.
That means I'm not free to persue anything with her, and I'm going to lose my chance if I don't do something very soon. God I don't even know what I can do.
I'm still not convinced she feels anything towards me, not in that way anyway. Sometimes the way she looks at me... She's so inviting, and it would be all too easy to take advantage of the situations we get in. I'm wussing out, which is totally unlike me.
I used to be able to pick up any woman I wanted, just by looking at them.
She's pretty much destroyed my confidence, lol.

Kit x

Feeling better

I feel better about it today. Maybe because I actually got some sleep last night. Unlike Sunday night, which saw me staring at the ceiling for a long time. And the Door, for an even longer time.

I have to leave David anyway. I may as well enjoy whatever I can get from Rachel for the time being. Just because we'll never be in a relationship, doesn't mean I don't enjoy her company. And god she has the sweetest kiss...

So there you go.

Kit x

Title?

I just got in.
Basically, she just wants to mess around.
Yes I did it again.

That leaves me with a big moral decision. I have to leave David, I know that it's not fair on him.
But do I put myself through the torture of just being a plaything for her? Can I even stop myself from doing it?
I'd have to get out of the way for a long while and learn to control myslef again. Wait until she's got a new bloke or whatever, and she doesn't need the attention from me.

God I wished she loved me.

Kit x

Ooops!

I FUCKED UP!

I uhhh, well, me and Rachel kissed last night. 15 months I've been chasing this girl. And I finally got to kiss her.
Now I have no idea where I stand. She kept mentioning it on lunch today, as if it were just another 'random' thing we did. Is she interested in me at all? If not, then she is seriously just tring to fuck with my head. She knows how I feel about her.
If she is... well... I have David to worry about. I've barely even text him since it happened. I don't know what to say to him... God I hate myself. I really never wanted to hurt him.

It's pretty inevitable now.

I'm going to Rachels tonight. I need to find out where I stand.

Kit x

P.S. The ex had her baby on Thursday. She is blissfully happy. Yay.

The L word...

Just made me bawl like a little girl. I'm watching Season 1 again... And I just watched the episode where Bett and Tina lose their baby... *sobs*

Shit, I'm on aim with David... this is killing me.
I just want to tell him... But I can't bear the thought of breaking his heart. God I suck.

And I miss Rachel stupid amounts. I'm hoping to god that I get to see her tomorrow.

Okay, it's no good. I'm gonna have to go and watch the next episode of the L word now.

Longer update later,

Kit