Friday, 21 November 2008


Sorry I've been quiet again, and thanks for the comments :-)

I'm feeling a little better today, got a doctors appointment in an hour, so will probably end up back on the meds. As much as I don't want to be, I think they'll do me good right now.

Feeling a little sick of going out of my way to try and keep everybody happy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not likely to stop any time soon. I have some random disorder that stems from my childhood where I constantly crave acceptance from my peers/family/lover/ random person in the street.

I can't help it, I just want everyone to like me. Apparently it's because I felt abandoned and unloved by my parents when I was younger. And because of the abuse. Or something.


Also, I'm going to a party and Rachels tomorrow night, and David is coming with me. Wish me luck, god knows I'm gonna need it.

Kit x

P.S I particularly well known publisher contacted me today saying they are interested in publishing one of my young adult novella's. I am officially well on my way to becomming a world famous published author. I rock my world

((AUTHOR NOTE: This was my post from Friday. I was having pc issues at work. I shall update later about the party on Sat.))

Tuesday, 18 November 2008




Monday, 17 November 2008


Yes, I have been quiet.

I don't really know why. I'm not sleeping well at all, what happened with me and Rachel seemed to fuck with my head a bit. I haven't split up with David yet, as he was almost suicidal on Friday, and I didn't want to be the one to push him over the edge.
That means I'm not free to persue anything with her, and I'm going to lose my chance if I don't do something very soon. God I don't even know what I can do.
I'm still not convinced she feels anything towards me, not in that way anyway. Sometimes the way she looks at me... She's so inviting, and it would be all too easy to take advantage of the situations we get in. I'm wussing out, which is totally unlike me.
I used to be able to pick up any woman I wanted, just by looking at them.
She's pretty much destroyed my confidence, lol.

Kit x

Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Feeling better

I feel better about it today. Maybe because I actually got some sleep last night. Unlike Sunday night, which saw me staring at the ceiling for a long time. And the Door, for an even longer time.

I have to leave David anyway. I may as well enjoy whatever I can get from Rachel for the time being. Just because we'll never be in a relationship, doesn't mean I don't enjoy her company. And god she has the sweetest kiss...

So there you go.

Kit x

Monday, 10 November 2008


I just got in.
Basically, she just wants to mess around.
Yes I did it again.

That leaves me with a big moral decision. I have to leave David, I know that it's not fair on him.
But do I put myself through the torture of just being a plaything for her? Can I even stop myself from doing it?
I'd have to get out of the way for a long while and learn to control myslef again. Wait until she's got a new bloke or whatever, and she doesn't need the attention from me.

God I wished she loved me.

Kit x



I uhhh, well, me and Rachel kissed last night. 15 months I've been chasing this girl. And I finally got to kiss her.
Now I have no idea where I stand. She kept mentioning it on lunch today, as if it were just another 'random' thing we did. Is she interested in me at all? If not, then she is seriously just tring to fuck with my head. She knows how I feel about her.
If she is... well... I have David to worry about. I've barely even text him since it happened. I don't know what to say to him... God I hate myself. I really never wanted to hurt him.

It's pretty inevitable now.

I'm going to Rachels tonight. I need to find out where I stand.

Kit x

P.S. The ex had her baby on Thursday. She is blissfully happy. Yay.

Saturday, 8 November 2008

The L word...

Just made me bawl like a little girl. I'm watching Season 1 again... And I just watched the episode where Bett and Tina lose their baby... *sobs*

Shit, I'm on aim with David... this is killing me.
I just want to tell him... But I can't bear the thought of breaking his heart. God I suck.

And I miss Rachel stupid amounts. I'm hoping to god that I get to see her tomorrow.

Okay, it's no good. I'm gonna have to go and watch the next episode of the L word now.

Longer update later,


Friday, 7 November 2008

Katy Perry

Is fucking hot. Oh yes, Oh yes.

sorry, I needed to say it to someone who wouldn't rip me for it. Well, you might, but at least you don't really know me at all.

David is taking me out tonight. That's the boyfriend, by the way. We are going to see Quantum of Solace with some of his friends. I'm excited, I love James Bond. And I love all of David's friends too. The only big pisser here is that I'm missing Rachel's bonfire party, which would have been a great excuse for a shit load of cuddles. Just because I can't have her, doesn't mean I'm happy about passing up any excuse to be close to her.
She's so flirty with me all the time, and she know's how I feel about her. I get plenty of chances to be close to her, so long as I don't overstep the mark.
Like this lunchtime, when we walked into town and she wrapped her arms around me and said 'I love you.' So I held her close for a few seconds and told her I loved her too.
I know that's translated as 'You're my best friend and I couldn't live without you' from her.
No translation needed from me.
Then she looks up at me (I'm 5'11 shes only 5'4) with those big brown eyes and cute little smile, and I wonder how on earth I've managed to refrain from kissing her over the last 15 months. But I refrain some more, and she pulls away, linking her arm through mine and continuing to talk shit like she always does. And I know, it's because she needs so much as a friend right now, I couldn't bear to make it difficult for her.

My feelings go out of the window again, for the time being.

I tried having a break away from her, hoping I could get over her, and concentrate on mine and David's relationship, still naive then and thinking perhaps I could make myself love him as more than a friend. It didn't work, and when we started hanging out again a couple of months later, my feelings came back just as strong, and mine and David's relationship was still as one sided as ever.


My ex girlfriend had a baby on Tuesday. Well, I'm guessing it was tuesday, that was when she was due to be induced, as he was 10 days late and still comfy. No one will tell me either way until she comes out of hospital and calls me. Her family all hate me (I made their daughter gay) and her new boyfriend is still threatened by how strong our relationship was and how strong our friendship still is.

I need to think of something happier... uhhhh... Watching Season 1 of the L word again at the moment. Up to Episode 5, god I love that series.

I want to bitch and moan about the Prop. 8 thing in CA, and various over American tid bits, I do love following politics, even American politics, despite being a brit. But I'm at work, and I must go and do something productive before I lose my job.
So I'll leave you with this,



An Introduction, and explaination

Good Afternoon World!

First, the disclaimer. I am a real person, and this is my real blog. However for the purpose of protecting people from the truth, at least until I'm ready, I have changed all the names that will be included in this blog. That includes mine.

Secondly, the reason for the secretness.
I am openly Bi. EVERYONE knows. Not everyone is happy about this. My Mother for example, is certain I am still going through a phase. In honesty, she is probably right. Being Bisexual was a phase. I am in fact a Lesbian.
This is a problem really, as I do have a long term boyfriend. He is the kind of man that makes me wish I was straight. He is perfect for a bloke, kind, conciderate, funny, good looking, strong, a good listener... If he didn't have a penis, I'd be over the moon. We've been together just under a year, and although I do love him, I don't love him in the way I should. I think of him as more of a best friend who I occasionally have to have sex with.
Now I am experienced with women, having had more than one long term relationship with them. I never really got over my Ex, and she still has a very big part of my heart. The other part is held by my best friend, who I absolutely adore.

She's not interested in me in the slightest and it kills me. But, I am still there for her, every day. It tears my heart out, it really does.

So, join me, and if you think you can, advise me, as I struggle through the next few months of finding the courage to dump my boyfriend, dealing with the feelings I have for my best friend, coping with my Ex girlfriend having a baby, and dealing with my families reaction to my being a Lesbian.

Sounds fun eh?

Kit x x x x